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NikiKalat

Baka Neko-chan Niki
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Well, just to give you little update (to whoever is ever reading this).

As I wrote the last journal entry, there were... some changes. Just few days after, I got jobless (:°D Well, not surprised, as who wants to pay lady in my state, right?), we misunderstood each order with one of my very few friends, I fell ill, which was kind of scary as I am not supposed to get ill and my husband was nearly forcing me to check temperature every few hours as he was kind of in state of panic for me :D I once again ended with deep depression etc. Right now, even thought I am again in sharp pain time to time, I feel royal tired but at the same time somehow at peace? I finally visited and was visited by family members, we talked about stuff and I realized I reeeally missed them. I even saw some of my old friends, but yeah, most of them didn't even care to talk with me... expect for the one I missed the most. It was great to talk to them, share news and promise to at least call to each other time to time again... The funny part - I was alone only with my husband on my Name day (Yeah, we celebrate that day) and... Literally no one expect for close family did write me. And I was really sad... so I bought some new, expensive tools. Even as I was aware I will probably have no time to create :°D Tell me about stupid but hey, I will get here again eventually! (I tested it on two card, so it is fine, right?)

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I was planning on sharing the part of my story till the August but it got even more complicated lately so... now I am writing from the state of total mental breakdown once again. Normal people have normal lives with lots of different problems and tragedies. I am simply normal human being too. So, as I years ago came into the crash with those problems, I hit the bottom and ended up in the really bad state. With mild paranoia that often showed true, I started to have trust issues. Big ones. More or less, I already shared some of those here. Now is time for what happened next. I think it's already about two years. I once more visited the dark bottom and there was this one person who showed me the way back, up. I even lived more "online", tried to make my deviantArt even presentable, was visiting some forums and, what is more, I even started communicating with other people via intercom and such! Wow! It was something reeeeally big for me. You maybe think it's funny and ridiculous, but I am dead scared of written communication and depend only on face to face contact. But back then, I started to trust people again. I opened up and believed in others in the positive way. It still wasn't ideal but every step counts. I had job at big company and had responsibilities, was eating normal food, visited doctors and was getting better in general. Then one old friend contacted me after long time. There was some bad memories with that person but I told myself, that it is just my paranoia talking and maybe they are better and kind if they are getting me the opportunity. Aaaand... They sent me back to trust point zero. I got bullied by them even as an adult and my mental state turned upside down. I still want to cry remembering. For being so pathetic to be trashed by them... again... That "paranoia" was probably just common sense. I should have never trusted. So I ended so called "online life", answering only if really necessary, finding the motivation only so slowly to change it. What good is it when others use you only to ease their own pain? Once more, something good and something bad happened. Some more died, some more lived. I felt depressed because of my job and ended up this good sounding one and changed it to one that was supposed to be more relaxing and allowing me to invest in creating my own art. I started this job in the most difficult time of the year then the happy go lucky, easy going boss changed jobs too... So there was new system, yay! And once more I have no free time... The little free time I had got consumed by something fulfilling thought. We were preparing for our marriage. (It's beautiful but maybe, just maybe, let the organisation to other people.) And we were doing it alone. I was stressed as hell, hating everything and everyone, except my better half. But we managed and had our day with good friends and family in extraordinary way. So, I should have more time now, right? Ha! Just few weeks after I ended unable to walk. Or sit or even normally lie. I wasn't able to visit the toilet as proper human being for at least four days. I cried by humiliation, I cried because of pain. I simply cried. After few weeks I was able to withstand short walks and sit by table for few short hours with breaks for lying. Best time of the life my ass. But is there someone to support me except for my husband? Of course not, because it was my "choice", right? I am the stupid one 'coz I want to live "old school life". So I spend whole summer crippled, unable to visit my family, in one tiny room. To make things more interesting I ended in high-risk group and was send for testing. Invasive procedure I was scared of. And for reasons. I was waiting a month for it. And I never want to experience it ever again. The first results are good. I look like a drug lord right now :D Taking my medication, taking care of myself. It's better but I still endure only short walks and am unable to stand or sit for long time. The only hope I have is it's just till March, if there are no more problems. Because of all of this, we had to move to different flat in the basement (third/fourth floor is big nope if you can't move normally). It's bigger but much darker (of course) and moist. Nearly all of our flowers are dying. As I am unable to move bigger things and am only a nuisance, it's pretty depressing. But i's starting to look more like a flat and less like a war zone. It's nice, right? But to top it of, as the Internet in the house is guaranteed, we realized something is missing... There is still no place for my desktop but even if it was, there is no cable to connect me :D Only wi-fi in this flat, yay! You can imagine how happy I am. And even the wi-fi is royal shitty. Well, even I like to have time to time Internet connection, you know? But that is not what made me cry today. DeviantArt and its "upgrade" are part of it. (Which is the reason this one is posted even later then it was originally written.) I am kind of aware that there is lots of people that even don't try to understand others people situation. For that, you must by loud and melodramatic one. Then, you will get lots of support, even if false, it's still some support. When you are silent and trying, people will shame you and will take those little things, making you going, away from you... I have my "little secret relax". I will find at least one day in the month and create little card. I think of the one who is it for and create with my mind and soul, trying to do the best in the moment, usually trying something new. Yeah, the standart differ and I am sometimes sad that my mind pictured it differently, but I still love doing it. So much more it hurts when somebody comments on it, that you didn't think of the person but only of yourself. Well, yeah, I am creating because I love creating, is it so bad? Is it bad, that I love spending time in present instead of checking the mighty Internet every f*cking second, if I know, there are only terrible things waiting? That I have my own issues and am tired of other cries to give them words of support when they will never look my way? Okay, so I am hypocrite that I no more cry for strangers. But who from those strangers supported my family when they frighted cancer? Who helped me, when my legs stopped working in the center of the city? Pointing at me, laughing, as I was sitting and crying. Or when, at my public workplace, shelf fell on me and I was screaming for help? Not even once, no one came to help. So any little undeserved word hurt so much more. Every little step forward is so much difficult. For every one try to do better, there are at least three people to kick you or push you back. For every little happy thing, there are at least three bad... But the worst thing is, that even after all this, I still don't know how to "let it go". Even if in the mind I know, that it is stupid to expect understanding from others, even so more from strangers, it is the absolute naivity, I feel betrayed and sorry for ever trying. Well, probably no one read this, like always, but maybe some stranger will read at least few lines and will think of their friends. Maybe they shamed them for no real reason, told them something, that from the first look wasn't sounding so bad but it was able to hurt them. Maybe next time, they will think more about those words or about the fact, that everyone lives different lives with different tragedies and different ups and downs, different situation and options... Well, as for me, never say never, right? I don't think I will trust "stranger" ever again, but I still hope that I will find the way to trust my "friends" and then vice versa, even thought I am not the "loud one". ...and maybe the World will be beautiful once again...

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Hey there!

Just letting you know I live and such.
I am hyped to try new things and new techniques it nearly scares me :D My collection of copics is slowly getting bigger, I am hoarding new material to experiment with, bought  solder to try some stuff with wood/leather and even more liner, and am even working on my digital fraction of art.
...and yet, thanks to my full-time job, I have even less time than ever before TT--TT

But hey, I have at least one vacation planned, which is to visit once more London and his beauty a enjoy it to the fullest!
Then it is only one year till our one year/half year stay in Japan! <3 I can't even wait, oh gosh... Well, at least my spouse is doing great at his work/studies! :°D

For Art status in general, I believe I am not overdoing it XD

Trades: Try to Ask (3 to do)
ACEO: Always open (5 to do)
Commissions: Open (3 to do)
Request/Gifts: Oh, C'mon (1 to do)
Contests planned to take part in - 5

My own projects? Way to much >_>
°ACEO portraits
°That Sky
°Matto's Demigod
°New CS'
°Women, Wild creatures
°And others...
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ATCs and ATs

1 min read
Well, as my sick leave got prolonged, I just feel like giving it artistic feel as I am feeling better than on start of my sick leave... I just don't feel like drawing/painting for myself so... 
Is there somebody willing to do some ACEOs? I am certainly once more hungry for them :D I just finished another bunch of secret trade cards so not really much to do. (Only than I will be sending them out after I can go out from house, as... I don't have permitted outings X(

I plan to do even some normal trades, one or more, if the character or theme will be interesting ;) But as always, I will be probably little more picky with them as I usually go hours and hours doing them :D
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As my life kind of stabilized, I can do all this! It's not as I have really lots of free time as I am working full-time, but I need to keep myself busy with art. And especially now before Christmas, as I still don't have my pay (I am new at work so I will see my pay only AFTER Christmas) I will be more than happy to do some of those for you :3
(And all those money are going on new artistic stuff as I am in emergency need of new functional brushes and Various inks for my old Copics TT--TT)

As of now, I am opening 5. slots for Commissions!

1. Želvička Natsu (done)
2. Želvička Natsu (done)
3. Imi - Instagram
4. Petra - Instagram (?)
5. Open

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Trades - open for Friends only (or try asking but as they took lots of time and materials, I am more picky about them)

ATC (ACEO) - always open :D 

Request - sorry but no, only special occasions
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